If DRINKIN’ WON’T KILL YOU, THE MEMORIES WILL
(lyrics from a country western song I heard years ago ...)
In the early part of 2021 I had a slight nervous breakdown without anyone (including myself) being aware of it.
Here’s what happened. About 8 months ago I started reliving all the mistakes I had made in my life. Since I’ve lived a long time, the list went on ad infinitum. And each night I was haunted by a reactivation of each event and went very dark. I wasn’t really that concerned, thought this was just part of life...pandemic, no work…. Everyone had situational depression... no big deal.
At the same time, I seemed to be falling into an abyss of no self-confidence. Since I’ve spent most of my life in therapy, I certainly expected a bit more grounding, and feelings of wholeness. (Okay…maybe no self-confidence in small doses, but not a total meltdown daily.)
Felt raw and badgered by life and my emotions. Felt small and insignificant. Started to go along to get along in conversations. Couldn’t handle any discomfort so started selling myself out in conversations by people pleasing (there is a new term for that now…it’s called fawning…look it up…very interesting.) This went on and on...mostly I carried on…going to the gym. (Inspired by my new commitment to health and wellbeing) continuing to go to recovery meetings and sponsoring people, working on a business, hiking, going to therapy, etc..., etc., etc., All very adult and responsible actions. Staying busy. But underneath something was askew. And then I pulled my back, and everything stopped. The pain was gruesome. After 5 months of chiropractic adjustments, physical therapy, acupuncture, tens machines, ultra-violet light healing apparatus, medical massage, gym rehab, patches of some kind…. The pain was horrific. And to top that all off…. At night all my mistakes came back to haunt and punish.
It’s been 6 months since the beginning of this debacle. 6 long, humorless months and then back surgery. And now, as I begin the healing process, I’m beginning to connect with what really happened to me in the pandemic.
All the stuffed emotional shit came up. OUCH.
Something deep below shifted, and the process was uncomfortable, unyielding, and depressing. I also see now that in the sticky pool of regret and despair grief is alive and well and prospering. Maybe just maybe, during the pandemic, when everything slowed down, all the repressed grief stirred up and showed up. There was unyielding quiet. There was soooooooooo much time. The grief showed up in the form of self -doubt, lack of confidence, loneliness, despair, and the horror of what was happening with the “big lie,” and it penetrated that “deep below” and erupted with a big bang.
It’s weeks later now and the “deep below” seems to have calmed down…
So what really happened? There was no outer world to distract me from my inner world…and as my friend Casey once told me …”you have to get current with your grief.”
And I did. Couldn’t run and couldn’t hide. OUCH
And now what..??? Drum roll…. The solution? SELF-FORGIVENESS
Keep forgiving yourself again and again and again…I hate the cliché, “you did the best you could with what you had at the time..” but maybe it’s a cliché because it’s true.
Get Current With Your Grief
And now..............more self-forgiveness......