Sometime 2021
If DRINKIN’ WON’T
KILL YOU, THE MEMORIES WILL
(lyrics from a country western song I heard years ago ...)
In the early part
of 2021 I had a slight nervous breakdown without anyone (including myself) being
aware of it.
Here’s what
happened. About 8 months ago I started reliving all the mistakes I had made in
my life. Since I’ve lived a long time, the list went on ad infinitum. And each
night I was haunted by a reactivation of each event and went very dark. I
wasn’t really that concerned, thought this was just part of life...pandemic, no
work…. Everyone had situational depression... no big deal.
At the same time, I
seemed to be falling into an abyss of no self-confidence. Since I’ve spent most
of my life in therapy, I certainly expected a bit more grounding, and feelings
of wholeness. (Okay…maybe no self-confidence in small doses, but not a total
meltdown daily.)
Felt raw and
badgered by life and my emotions. Felt small and insignificant. Started to go
along to get along in conversations. Couldn’t handle any discomfort so started
selling myself out in conversations by people pleasing (there is a new term for
that now…it’s called fawning…look it up…very interesting.) This went on and on...mostly I carried on…going
to the gym. (Inspired by my new commitment to health and wellbeing) continuing
to go to recovery meetings and sponsoring people, working on a business, hiking,
going to therapy, etc..., etc., etc., All very adult and responsible actions. Staying
busy. But underneath something was askew. And then I pulled my back, and
everything stopped. The pain was gruesome. After 5 months of chiropractic
adjustments, physical therapy, acupuncture, tens machines, ultra-violet light
healing apparatus, medical massage, gym rehab, patches of some kind…. The pain
was horrific. And to top that all off…. At night all my mistakes came back to
haunt and punish.
It’s been 6 months
since the beginning of this debacle. 6 long, humorless months and then back
surgery. And now, as I begin the healing process, I’m beginning to connect with
what really happened to me in the pandemic.
All the stuffed emotional shit came up. OUCH.
Something deep
below shifted, and the process was uncomfortable, unyielding, and depressing. I
also see now that in the sticky pool of regret and despair grief is alive and well and prospering. Maybe
just maybe, during the pandemic, when everything slowed down, all the repressed
grief stirred up and showed up. There was unyielding quiet. There was
soooooooooo much time. The grief showed
up in the form of self -doubt, lack of confidence, loneliness, despair,
and the horror of what was happening with the “big lie,” and it penetrated that
“deep below” and erupted with a big bang.
It’s weeks later
now and the “deep below” seems to have calmed down…
So what really
happened? There was no outer world to distract me from my inner world…and as my
friend Casey once told me …”you have to get current with your grief.”
And I did. Couldn’t run and couldn’t hide. OUCH
And now what..???
Drum roll…. The solution? SELF-FORGIVENESS
Keep forgiving
yourself again and again and again…I hate the cliché, “you did the best you
could with what you had at the time..” but maybe it’s a cliché because it’s
true.
Self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness
Get Current With Your Grief
And now..............more self-forgiveness......
