Sometime 2021

If DRINKIN’ WON’T KILL YOU, THE MEMORIES WILL

(lyrics from a country western song I heard years ago ...)

 

In the early part of 2021 I had a slight nervous breakdown without anyone (including myself) being aware of it.

Here’s what happened. About 8 months ago I started reliving all the mistakes I had made in my life. Since I’ve lived a long time, the list went on ad infinitum. And each night I was haunted by a reactivation of each event and went very dark. I wasn’t really that concerned, thought this was just part of life...pandemic, no work…. Everyone had situational depression... no big deal.                 

At the same time, I seemed to be falling into an abyss of no self-confidence. Since I’ve spent most of my life in therapy, I certainly expected a bit more grounding, and feelings of wholeness. (Okay…maybe no self-confidence in small doses, but not a total meltdown daily.)

Felt raw and badgered by life and my emotions. Felt small and insignificant. Started to go along to get along in conversations. Couldn’t handle any discomfort so started selling myself out in conversations by people pleasing (there is a new term for that now…it’s called fawning…look it up…very interesting.)  This went on and on...mostly I carried on…going to the gym. (Inspired by my new commitment to health and wellbeing) continuing to go to recovery meetings and sponsoring people, working on a business, hiking, going to therapy, etc..., etc., etc., All very adult and responsible actions. Staying busy. But underneath something was askew. And then I pulled my back, and everything stopped. The pain was gruesome. After 5 months of chiropractic adjustments, physical therapy, acupuncture, tens machines, ultra-violet light healing apparatus, medical massage, gym rehab, patches of some kind…. The pain was horrific. And to top that all off…. At night all my mistakes came back to haunt and punish.

It’s been 6 months since the beginning of this debacle. 6 long, humorless months and then back surgery. And now, as I begin the healing process, I’m beginning to connect with what really happened to me in the pandemic.

All the stuffed emotional shit came up. OUCH.

Something deep below shifted, and the process was uncomfortable, unyielding, and depressing. I also see now that in the sticky pool of regret and despair grief is alive and well and prospering. Maybe just maybe, during the pandemic, when everything slowed down, all the repressed grief stirred up and showed up. There was unyielding quiet. There was soooooooooo much time. The grief showed up in the form of self -doubt, lack of confidence, loneliness, despair, and the horror of what was happening with the “big lie,” and it penetrated that “deep below” and erupted with a big bang. 

It’s weeks later now and the “deep below” seems to have calmed down…

So what really happened? There was no outer world to distract me from my inner world…and as my friend Casey once told me …”you have to get current with your grief.”

And I did. Couldn’t run and couldn’t hide. OUCH

And now what..??? Drum roll…. The solution?   SELF-FORGIVENESS

Keep forgiving yourself again and again and again…I hate the cliché, “you did the best you could with what you had at the time..” but maybe it’s a cliché because it’s true.

Self-forgiveness

Self-forgiveness

Self-forgiveness

Get Current With Your Grief

And now..............more self-forgiveness......

 

 

 

 

 

September 10, 2021

Now is different

When I turned 40 (years ago) I woke up that day wanting to be somewhere else with someone else doing something else. My life was good at the time; but that’s how I woke up. It lasted 3 days.

Then I realized that nothing had changed.  I looked exactly how I did the night before at 39 and had a great husband, career, home etc. etc. After 3 days the feeling went away and did not return for many years …. till now.

But now is different…Now is strange…I had a face lift in 2020 expecting to go back to work a few months later…not only did I not go back to work but wearing masks became mandatory and my new expensive face stayed hidden, and all my jobs left the building.

Now is different.

I’m still in therapy sometimes gazing at my navel and sometimes gazing at yours…going to recovery meetings and semi-pretending things are semi-normal. They are not. Now is different.

I’m not alone in all the political muck…disappointing unvaxers, voter discrimination and basically the demise of truth. I am tired of people defending their insanity…it is neither pleasant nor interesting just disheartening.

Now is different.

So, what’s the solution? Well…. I’m going to stay hopeful…I know how mundane and horrifically stupid this sounds but I’ve decided at least for today to stay hopeful.

Now is different …but now is not forever.

I am hopeful.

 

 “YES”

 

Every week someone tells me to write a book....so easy for them to say.

First of all, I’m not a very good writer, secondly writing is painful, and thirdly I haven’t finished cleaning my garage...even though I had the whole year of the pandemic to do it.  Shall we discuss priorities?

I’m in Alcoholics Anonymous...it’s an anonymous program or at least use to be. Now it makes grand attempts at being one...Facebook sort of blew the begejus out of that concept.

I’ve been sober a long time and my best girlfriend wants to argue with me that I was only a very, very, bad drug user not an alcoholic. She didn’t see me for a couple of years in Vegas when I was kind of blowing out...it’s okay, it’s all pretty much the same. Alcohol is a liquid drug. Choose your poison. Sick is Sick.

I used to be really crazy and have a litany of psychiatric illness to prove it. I was crazy and now I'm not. I get crazy, but I’m not crazy...Is that why people keep pouncing on me about the book?  Or is it that I call out bullshit?  Or is it that I have banged and thrashed in life, AA, and therapy to combat most of my demons and won? Or at least survived and navigated mental illness to live a pretty good life? Not sure. Or maybe they don’t know what to say so they start dictating policy.... telling you what you should do with your life, so they don’t have to look at their own life. Staying outer focused is a very good way to deflect from looking at your own personal inner turmoil. Stay in your own hula hoop mother-f---ers.

You don’t get to decide what’s best for me. I get to decide that. You only get to decide what’s best for you. Psychology 101. You don’t know what’s best for me...you just think you do. I just figured out what I am going to say to people when they tell me to write a book... Shut the f--- up. Oops

 

Okay, okay, sorry. I got a little dramatic there.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay. I’ve changed my mind. I’m going to attempt to write a book. I’m taking on the challenge of writing a book.

Trust me I am as surprised as you are.

After all my resistant dialogue, I’ve decided to possibly try and write a book. Funny huh?

Why am I doing this?

I’m not sure. All I can come up with is if enough people suggest something-even though you, or in this case I, find it offensive …. maybe they see something we don’t see. Maybe, just maybe, there is some merit to their suggestion.

Maybe this is the moment I suspend what I think I know and consider other points of view?

Isn’t that what I had to do to get well? To get sober? To turn my life around? I had to risk, and trust, and follow other people’s suggestions. People smarter than me, people wiser than me, trustworthy people who weren’t afraid to tell me the truth.

I had to become coachable.

So today, I say, “Yes.”

Let the writing begin……………………

I don’t believe I can do it…but my answer is still,

 “YES.”